The optimistic naval arch is happy when the vessel is only half full of water, the pessimistic naval arch is worried that the vessel is half full of water.

 ***

 A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"  The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the groundkeeper. Let's have a word with him."
 
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
 The groundkeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind Firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
 
 The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

 ***  

Charles Proteus Steinmetz, an electrical engineer whose genius lived up to his middle name, worked at General Electric for many years. One morning he arrived at his office to find there had been a change in policy overnight. On his desk, someone had posted a tidy cardboard sign saying, "No Smoking." Steinmetz took out his pen, modified the sign so that it now read, "No Smoking --- No Steinmetz," and departed. The policy was changed.

One day a whole roomful of General Electric's most expensive machinery went out of order. By this time Steinmetz had retired, but the company's baffled engineers called him back as a consultant. Steinmetz ambled from machine to machine, taking a measurement here, scribbling something in his notebook there. After about an hour, he took out a large piece of chalk and marked a large 'X' on the casing of one machine. Workers pried off the casing and found the problem at once. But when the company executives got Steinmetz's bill for $10,000, they were reluctant to pay it. "This seems a bit excessive for one chalk mark," Steinmetz was told. "Perhaps you'd better itemize your charges." Within a few days, they received the following itemized bill:
Making one chalk mark $1.00
Knowing where to make one chalk mark $9,999.00

*** 

Scene: public executions by guillotine

Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine...

First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He's pardoned.

Second condemned person is a lawyer. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn't come down. Lawyer cries out: "The law says you can't try twice." He's released.

Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right there..."  

***

Normal people ... believe that if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broken, it doesn't have enough features yet.

***

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless and gutless."

The fifth surgeon says "I like engineers . They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."  

***  

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Hmm, This is strange, but it says here that you are supposed to go to hell."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they have air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is pretty popular.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- they should never have gone down there; send them back." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff!" God says, "Send them back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

***

Question: How many naval archs does it take to change a light bulb?
 
 Answer: Gee, while we have the light bulb out the light socket could be upgraded. And while we have the socket out, the deck beam could be made lighter. Since the deck beam would be new we might as well optimize the deck, and that calls for a new hull design...

***

Scene: A shipyard. The grizzled old naval architect and the hotshot young owner's representative are arguing over some structural details.